Ten Things Only People With Glasses Will Understand

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This is not me, it’s John Lennon.

Hi there. My name is Stew Miller and I have been a glasses wearer for nearly 30 years. I am almost 41. There’s your math problem for the day. For basically three quarters of my life, I have been wearing glasses. Most of this time I have been so deep in the need that I barely even realize they’re on. I’ll go to scratch my eye and CLACK! Smack right into the lens. Other times, say when I’m in the shower (insert wolf whistle) I will reach to adjust them only to find… yeah, no glasses. Anyway, I am very used to them.

Now we, as glasses wearers, suffer a few slings and arrows of every day life just by being who we are. Look, I’m not going to sit here and bitch that our daily lives are in anyway obscured as say, quadriplegic people or folks with Autism. All I’m bitching about is that we have plastic shields over our damn eyes so we can fuckin see! Minor… agreed. Minor. But still… am I right?

10. It’s Really Tough Going to 3-D Movies

Hey, we want to see movies in three dimensions, too! But do you even realize how inconvenient and uncomfortable it is to wear those damn glasses over your own prescription frames? Of course you don’t because you don’t wear them! Imagine having sunglasses already on and then putting another pair of sunglasses on over them. That about sums it up. Oh, and while we’re on the subject…

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9. Clip-On Sunglasses are the Worst

Yes, I know, we can, and do, get prescription sunglasses. I have some of my own. And I like them. Despite the fact that I have to switch them on and off as necessary. But that’s not the point. Let’s say you do not have said prescription sunglasses for whatever reason (price is a good one) and you want to shield your precious eyes from damaging UV rays. You might reach for a set of ill-fitting, exceptionally ridiculous clip-ons cuz cheap! But no. Just… no.

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7. Don’t Even Get Me Started on Goggles

Like many people in this industrialized nation of ours, I have had the “joy” of being able to work in a factory. And as factories go, employees are made to wear goggles. And in my case, over my glasses. This takes the irritation factor of 3D specs and amps it up a thousand-fold. There are few things on this Earth more annoying than wearing 2 pairs of lenses and the same time. Trust me.

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6. It Still Seems Like Vision is Obscured

I am a chef when I am not doing this and believe me when I say, anything and everything I cook ends up aerosolized on my glasses lenses. Whether frying, sauteeing, broiling, or just chopping up vegetables, some kind of airborne shit is inevitably hitting me square in the specs. And usually right dead center where I look most of the time. Or, and this is just as bad, I go to swipe and an errant itch or a particularly brazen fly, and finger smear! Right there, mid point, directly where my eye likes to go. Glasses are a pain in the ass in the kitchen.

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5. Like Always Obscured

Even outside of the kitchen I am constantly having to either blow off an eyelash, flick off some microscopic debris, or counteract the glare I’m getting from any bit of light from anywhere. Believe me, kids, “Anti Glare” lenses are not perfect, nor is that “Scratch Resistant” bullshit because you will, eventually, get bombarded by some kind of foreign material that will gouge an inch-long trench in your vision. It sucks.

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4. Don’t Forget You Have Them On

Yeah, don’t do that. Especially if you plan to, say, drink too much and pass out somewhere. Yeah. Don’t do that. Let’s, for the sake of argument, assume that once or twice I may have, probably, imbibed on a few too many and… well, passed out. On my face. Glasses are already an obstruction so just imagine that crammed into your face for a few hours before you finally realize it. Owww.

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3. Two Words: Ear Cysts

Just because you think your glasses fit pretty well doesn’t mean your body thinks so. Those little bits that fit behind your ears to keep your glasses from tipping sideways off your head can sometimes be a little irritating, especially if some tiny hunk of crap gets back there. Soon, you have a wonderful puffy lump like a big pimple behind your ear that hurts like a bastard. All because you have glasses. Not cool, glasses. Not cool.

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2. Eye Strain is Far Worse. Trust Me.

Even now, staring at this tablet screen typing these very words to make you all laugh… hopefully, I can feel my eyeballs beginning to swim just a bit. I realize even just doing this without glasses would be strenuous, ┬ábut I’m fairly sure wearing glasses only exacerbates the issue. Maybe it’s because they are basically mini magnifying lenses or because looking through them is just taxing to your eyes anyway… look, I’m not an optometrist, I’m just telling you what we glasses wearers all know.

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1. Even With Annoyances, Glasses Are Cool

Glasses are definitely cool. They add character to your face, they give people something to loom at, and they sometimes increase the awesomeness of your personality. It’s true! I wear them and I know I’m cool, smart, fun, and full of shit! Also, going hand in hand with coolness, glasses can make many people look way hotter than they are. I have a friend with whom I work who looks way cuter in glasses. Like way cuter. See? So, obtrusive or irritating, annoying or kooky, glasses are still really cool.

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Stew Miller

Contributor at Gunaxin
Writer, artist, and part time Furry.
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