Ten Television Characters Every Guy Wants To Be
The title of this one is self-explanatory, so I’ll forgo the long-winded intro that most readers of lists skip over. Keeping the scope limited to small screen shows from the past decade, here are ten TV characters every guy would love to switch places with. Well, real guys anyway.
10) Dexter Morgan – Dexter
Let’s be real. If a dude could get away with being a mass murderer, he’d do it. Especially if he was ridding the world of “bad” serial killers. Dexter has had a rough go of it since he was a kid, but he lives in sunny Miami, owns a boat cleverly named “Slice of Life,” and for a time had a smoking hot blonde as his main squeeze. Not too shabby for someone who slices ‘n’ dices body parts for a hobby.
9) Dennis Reynolds – It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Owns a bar. Hardly, if ever, works. Is a professional prick. Spends most of his days trashing his twin sister and friends. Has a perfectly sculpted chest. Is a hit with the ladies. Resides in Philadelphia. Is an Ivy League man. Basically, Dennis lives a life most guys can only dream of. He’s a narcissistic ass who doesn’t give a shit about anything or anyone. I bow to him and every self-respectable guy should follow suit.
8) Ray Drecker – Hung
Ray has his share of problems. He’s a single father stuck in a crap job raising two teenagers by himself and his house burned down. However, he’s also blessed with a huge penis and makes his bank moonlighting as a male prostitute. Sure, not all his clients are winners, but banging for dollars beats wasting away in a cubicle forty hours a week. Did I mention his enormous schlong?
7) Eric Northman – True Blood
If you’re going to be an immortal bloodsucker you might as well be a cool one who kicks ass. Enter Eric Northman, the Sheriff of Area 5 in Louisiana and owner of the vampire bar Fangtasia. He’s a 1000-year-old Swedish Viking warrior with a healthy stable of buxom strippers to fornicate with whenever he so chooses. Tall, great head of hair, super speed. What’s not to like?
6) Sterling Archer – Archer
Archer is a world-renowned super spy and international man of intrigue. He drinks booze, has sex with gorgeous prostitutes, drives fast sports cars and earns a hefty salary. He’s capable of playing rough, although prefers to just play. Think the Roger Moore version of James Bond. He endured a terrible childhood and has serious mommy issues, but the positives definitely outweigh the negatives in Archer’s world.
5) Michael Westen – Burn Notice
In reality, I’m not so sure being a burned spy would be a good thing. In fiction, it’s totally awesome. Michael Westen lives in South Florida, drives a sweet 1972 Dodge Charger, has a smoking hot on-again, off-again Irish girlfriend, is pals with Bruce Campbell and out muscles and outsmarts nefarious villains on a regular basis. Oh, and he’s a handsome devil with an endless supply of stylish sunglasses.
4) Jeff Winger – Community
A sarcastic lawyer with a clever quip always at the ready attending lowly Greendale Community College in order to prevent from being disbarred doesn’t sound so great on the surface. However, he spent season 1 banging the incredibly sexy Britta and locked lips with the undeniably attractive Annie in the finale. It’s a big fish in small pond scenario, but Winger’s ascension to King of Community is respectable.
3) Raylan Givens – Justified
Givens is a modern-day Dirty Harry. He delivers his own brand of justice, which usually involves either killing or maiming criminals. He’s tall, suave and tough as nails. Ladies love him and guys envy him. We’ve all probably had run-ins with law enforcement, but being a U.S. Marshal, even for a day, would be really badass. Especially if said Marshal looks and acts like the vastly underrated Timothy Olyphant.
2) Rick Grimes – The Walking Dead
There isn’t a man alive who wouldn’t love roaming a post-apocalyptic wasteland inhabited by flesh-eating zombies. Armed with a meaningless sheriff’s badge and a bag full of guns, Rick Grimes is the de facto leader of a group of survivors waging war against an ever-growing army of undead. As an added bonus, his wife was easy on the eyes, if not altogether faithful.
1) Hank Moody – Californication
A day in the life of Hank Moody: Wake up at noon, smoke a blunt, drive somewhere, have a drink, screw a chick with perfect breasts, drive somewhere else, have another drink, get arrested, repeat. Hank might be incapable of longterm commitment and a horrible role model to his teen daughter, but he nails so much choice tail without even trying he deserves a spot in the Guy Hall of Fame. Bless you Hank Moody for your incurable immaturity.