Terrifying Cult Rituals of Microsoft Revealed

microsoft employees

Trying way too hard to be as cool as Apple.

Video was leaked today of a “dance” performed by Microsoft employees, revealing that every joke about their employees being slack-jawed, uncoordinated zombies is in fact a blood-curdling, horrifying truth.

We remain uncertain as to what Microsoft has done to these low-level worker drones, although reports are streaming in that they have been tortured by being forced to use Vista.  All we know is that this, this, is the terrible result.  Reports that Steve Ballmer has stripped away the flesh from his face to reveal a long-tongued Satan beneath are unsubstantiated at this time.

Steve Balmer attack bloody

Kinda like this.

Government advisories say to avoid Microsoft retail stores and products. Oh, wait, this advisory is from 1995.  This other one tells us to stock up on guns and take refuge in the Apple Store if you are attacked in the mall by these shambling creatures.  If no Apple Store is available, try a Gap: it may mislead them as these creatures are easily confused.

Stay strong, our brothers and sisters trapped by the Microsoft shambling hordes.  We will pour one out for you at the rager we have planned tonight.