The 2013 Oscars in 500 Words

Seth Macfarlane OscarsI wish the powers that be responsible for TV scheduling would realize there are six other nights besides Sunday. Not only was the interminable Oscars telecast on last night, but so was The Walking Dead, Shameless, The Amazing Race and Girls (yes, I watch it). Hell, Cinemax even ran Jaws, which is cruel, because I ended up getting sucked into it on accident when flipping to DVR Shameless. Toss us a bone, Hollywood suits. Thursday night pretty much blows — how about shifting a show or two there?

I digress. In case you missed the 85th Annual Academy Awards, here’s a concise review in 500 words.

  • One minute in, Ron Jeremy is mentioned. Bless you, Seth MacFarlane.
  • First Mel Gibson racist joke of the evening. Poor Martin Riggs.
  • Captain Kirk opines Tina Fey and Amy Poehler should be hosting. Wishful thinking.
  • Magic Mike in da house, yo!
channing tatum

Wicked shoes, bro.

  • A bottle of wine, some Boniva and a Trans-Am gets you Sally Field. Bitchin’.
  • Christoph Waltz wins for Django Unchained. I’m certain he’s demanded to be in every Quentin Tarantino movie until he dies.
  • Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy’s schtick was, uh, what’s the word I’m looking for? Horrendous.
  • Oscar-winner in a kilt = awesome.
  • Ric Flair takes home Cinematography gold for Life of Pi. Whether you like it or not, learn to love it, because it’s the best thing going. Wooooo!

Stylin’ and profilin’!

  • 9:16pm. Oscars no one gives a fu*k about are being awarded.
  • Shirley Bassey’s rousing rendition of “Goldfinger” gives me a Bond boner.
  • I have a sudden craving for cookie dough ice cream. Whoever first thought to put cookie dough in ice cream deserves a Nobel Prize.
  • MacFarlane drops a ‘Prometheus sucks’ joke and I couldn’t be happier.
  • Travolta introduces a garish musical segment. This should quiet all those gay rumors.
  • Same guy who chased a naked obese man through a hotel with a rubber penis is in an acclaimed musical. Weird.
  • 10:13pm. First Jews run Hollywood joke. About time.
  • A tie for Sound Editing? Donovan McNabb is speechless.

What do you mean there are ties?

  • An adorable 12-year-old boy named Anne Hathaway wins Best Supporting Actress.
  • Yentl is singing “The Way We Were.” For some reason.
  • Brad Renfro once again omitted from “In Memoriam.” I call bullshit.
  • Argo wins Adapted Screenplay. Tarantino wins Original Screenplay. That is all.
  • Oscar pool spoiler of the night. Ang Lee wins Best Director.
  • 11:40pm. Kristen Stewart is jonesing for weed. So am I.
  • Jennifer Lawrence does an actual faceplant, but plays if off beautifully. Behavior befitting of a Best Actress winner.
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Next time, wear a less poofy dress.

  • DDL wins Best Actor for Lincoln. He’s so suave and sophisticated. I hate him and love him.
  • Michelle Obama shows up rockin’ the bangs.
  • And Best Picture goes to… Spies Like Us, er, Argo. Ben Affleck is all growns up.
  • Seth MacFarlane host grade: B.

That’s a wrap.