The Best Picture Nominees in Four Words or Less

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The Academy Award nominations were announced this morning. For chrissakes, somebody high-five me. Quick. Please? Ah poop, left hanging again. *lowers head in shame*

Nevertheless, I set aside 30 seconds out of my arduous daily regimen of playing Angry Birds and assembling a digital photo collage of a pre-rehab Lindsay Lohan in order to peruse the list of lucky nominees. I have no intention of regurgitating the entire rundown because that would require extra work. Go here to get the whole kit and kaboodle.

Instead, I’ll summarize each of the ten Best Picture noms in four words or less. It was an honor and a privilege to have seen each of the ten films in question. Actually, it was a pain in the ass that involved miles of driving and numerous purchases of pirated material from shady Asian guys dressed in European soccer garb, but I’m not one to complain.

So, if you missed any of these cinematic marvels, fear not. My concise descriptions are all you’ll need to feel properly informed. Full disclosure: I ate some mushrooms earlier. My spelling might be off. It’s not an excuse. It’s me hallucinating the blinds on my window are trying to kill me.

Without further rumination, I’m pressing send, now.

127 HoursOh shit, I’m fucked.

Black Swan – Fight Club for chicks.

The Fighter – Boxing and other drugs.

InceptionDreaming in metaphors. (Yeah, I know, it’s a song by Seal)

The Kids Are All Right – Sperm donors and lesbians.

The King’s Speech – Do I stutter? Yes.

The Social Network – Rich guys are assholes.

Toy Story 3Growing up sucks.

True Grit – Here come the Rooster.

Winter’s Bone – Gone, daddy, gone.

And the winner is… probably The Social Network, but don’t count out the The King’s Speech. Those Brits are sneaky with their erudite accents and fancy duds.