The Golden Globes In 500 Words

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Unlike most of you out there, I watched the 68th annual Golden Globes last night. Why? Well, all the football games were over and I needed an excuse to get drunk. Of course, I didn’t actually drink while viewing the festivities. That would be extremely unprofessional, and I’m nothing if not professional. Rather than imbibe, I smoked a bowl instead, because as we all know marijuana has zero harmful effects and in no way hinders one’s ability to think clearly and concisely. I learned that from Cheech and Chong movies, so it must be true. Anyway, here’s a biting and witty summation of the evening’s events, in a mere 500 words.

  • Christian Bale rambled on incessantly – After receiving the first award of the night, the acerbic British thespian proceeded to deliver a blathering speech that put the broadcast behind by two minutes. Oh, good for you, Christian!
  • Chris Colfer totally ignored Leighton Meester – Reinforcing his flaming gayness, Colfer didn’t even acknowledge a hotter than hot Meester after she presented his Globe to him. I gotta hand it to the kid. If I was gay I would’ve gone for a hug-and-grope. Fuck it, it’s Leighton Meester.
  • Hailee Steinfeld towered over Justin Bieber – It reminded me of dances in junior high. Bieber barely came up to her chest. And it just me or does he look like Shane from The L Word?


  • Robert Downey Jr. was charming – The guy is simply amazing. Easy to see how he was a junkie for years. I can’t imagine anyone not giving him coke or heroin if he asked.
  • People still referred to movies as “pictures” – I realize it’s called the award for Best Picture, but must we call it a “picture.” I mean Trent Freaking Reznor called The Social Network a picture! It’s a movie, or if need be, a film. C’mon, people. The 1940s are long gone.
  • Ricky Gervais was a ginormous dick – And I mean that in a good way. After last year’s tepid performance, Rick brought down the hammer several times on the Hollywood elite, much to their dismay. Well done, Mr. Gervais.
  • Robert De Niro trashed foreigners – It was xenophobia at its finest.
  • Glee won a bunch of shit – I’ve never seen the show, but I hear it’s FABULOUS!!!!
  • Facebook got a ton more free publicity – I’m all but convinced that The Social Network was an elaborate plot hatched by Mark Zuckerberg to get more dummies to register for Facebook accounts. If I’m right, then he really is an evil genius.
  • Geoffrey Rush was dressed like “The Observer” from Fringe – Except he had glasses too.

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  • Natalie Portman was adorable – Even knocked up, she looked cute as a button. Oh, and she won Best Actress. I think.
  • Michael Douglas had the line of the night – As the audience stood and applauded the man who just beat throat cancer, Douglas said with a wry grin, “There’s gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation.”

There you go. The Golden Globes in 500 words.