The Oscars In 500 Words

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The 83rd Academy Awards are, as they say in Tinseltown, a wrap. There were no real surprises, which isn’t all that surprising. So, if you happened to be out doing something constructive, like getting drunk at a dive bar or being arrested for soliciting a transvestite prostitute, here’s what you missed. Ladies and gentleman, I give you the Oscars in 500 words. Cue my drum roll, bitch.

  • The DeLorean from Back to the Future made an appearance in the opening. Not sure why, but it was there.
  • For the 73rd consecutive year, Gone With the Wind was celebrated. It’s a classic. We get it.
  • Wally Pfister won Best Cinematography for Inception. Ironically, Pfister is also the name of an actor who starred in the Inception porn parody, Conception.
  • Kirk Douglas (yes, he’s still alive) did a Vaudeville routine that while amusing, went on way too long. He might be dead soon. Give the old codger a break.


  • Melissa Leo said a word that begins with F and ends with K and it wasn’t FORK. Of course, it was bleeped by the language police at ABC.
  • Justin Timberlake bombed horribly with his “I’m Banksy” gag. Isn’t he supposed to be a singer?
  • Screenwriter David Seidler dropped one of the night’s better lines after winning for Best Original Screenplay: “My father always said I was a late bloomer.” He’s 73. You had to be there.
  • Oh, the hosts. James Franco looked constipated all night. Anne Hathaway looked very doable. That is all.
  • Matthew McConaughey presented the award for Best Sound Mixing, which gives me an excuse to share my favorite clip from his stellar career:

  • They autotuned Harry Potter. More specifically Ron and Hermione. It sounded like everything else that’s been autotuned. Stupid.
  • Exit Through the Gift Shop didn’t win Best Documentary. They gave it to some flick about the financial collapse. Shocker.
  • The young dude who won for Best Live Action Short resembled the illegitimate offspring of Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter.
  • Robert Downey Jr. was witty and charming. Again.
  • Inception won a bunch of technical trophies. All the guys and dolls went out of their way to thank Christopher Nolan, who wasn’t nominated for Best Director. Hint, hint, Academy.
  • Gwyneth Paltrow sang a song. Isn’t she supposed to be an actress?
  • Randy Newman lost his mind for a second. Can hardly blame him. He’s been nominated 20 times and won only twice. He’s still not as wacko as Randy Quaid.

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  • That little girl from The Professional won Best Actress. And she’s about to pop a kid out. Man, I’m gettin’ old.
  • The montage of Best Picture nominees kicked a fair amount of ass.
  • Theeeee Kkkkkking’s Sppppppeech won Best Picture. See what I did there?
  • They bussed in a crapload of kids from Staten Island to sing “Over the Rainbow.” I’m told it was cute and touching. I was busy taking a two-minute beer piss, so I missed it.

And there you have it, folks. The Oscars in 500 words. See y’all next year.