The People of Fantasy Baseball Drafts

Fantasy Baseball Comic 560x208Sometime between now and Monday, you will likely take part in a fantasy baseball draft. Fantasy baseball is a great way to stay in tune with the game, and up to date on teams and players you wouldn’t normally follow. But the most important thing about every fantasy draft is being prepared. Not prepared as in who you want to draft, sure that’s important but not the most glaring thing you’ll deal with at your draft. No, I’m talking about being prepared for the types of people you are going to encounter at your respective drafts. Go in unprepared, and it could end up being one of the longest hour and half’s of your life.

The Commissioner

hi res 130149305 crop north 300x200He’ll likely be the first one in the draft and greeting everyone as they arrive, or enter the draft room. He’ll also being the one wondering why somebody didn’t show up, and taking all the flack for how the draft order fell. Generally, he will ignore most of what is said about him, and will simply just tell you “It’s in the rules, it’s not my job to read them to you.” He can be an asshole if you’ve got a commissioner who thinks he really is the commissioner of baseball, and tries to act like it by wielding his internet power.

Stat Geek

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This guy is becoming more and more common in fantasy baseball drafts, and more and more annoying as baseball keeps creating different sabermetrics to measure a players value. ¬†He’ll most likely complain that your league using the “standard” categories, and doesn’t offer up some weird stats that casual fans aren’t aware of. “What? This league doesn’t take into account PRIMP or WARMP? What kind of league is this? Those may or may not be real stats, with how many they keep coming up with, I wouldn’t be surprised if they are. This also might be the guy who will rattle off last season’s stats to try and sound smart, even though everybody can see them on their sheets or draft board. Quiet down nerd, and let me draft my team.

The Analyst

tim mccarvers offers signature cat hiss face1 300x190This guy thinks he is auditioning for a gig at ESPN with his “expert” quips and opinions on EVERY SINGLE PLAYER THAT GETS DRAFTED! You’ll want to punch this guy in the face by the end of the 3rd round. “Oh Mike Trout at #1 what a big surprise there.” “Oh nice pick there, I really think¬†Xander Bogaerts could have a great year and be one of the surprise 3rd Basemen this season.” You hear enough of this sort of thing on TV all off-season long, you don’t need to hear anymore of it at your draft.

The Complainer

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You would think based on how this guy is acting that he is having the worst day of his life. Nothing is good enough for him. “Oh I’m drafting 11th, great, nobody good available there.” He also is the guy who feels he is entitled to every player in the draft, and will make it known that you “stole” “his guy” if you make a selection right before him. “Oh this draft sucks, the last 3 rounds, my guy was taken right before my pick, that’s not fair.” Shut up, until he’s drafted to a team, nobody is “your guy” and nothing was stolen from you. Deal with it and draft someone else.

Guy Who Never Shuts Up

4749340 300x197This person is so relieved to be away from harsh real life duties that they feel you are their personal psychologist and have to tell you about everything going on in their life. This is fine leading up to the draft to make small talk, but once the draft is started everyone but this person stops talking or messaging and is focused on the task at hand. This person just seems to ramble on about anything that isn’t baseball. “Boy, the weather down here in Georgia sure has been unseasonably warm.” Stop trying to distract us with your boring life observations and focus on what we’re here to do.

“Let’s Make A Deal” Person

deal 1308951644This person could be classified as “I Hate My Team” but in every draft there is someone who 5 picks in decides their team is going to be terrible, and immediately starts throwing out trade discussion or possibilities while the draft is still going. “Hey, I realize it’s only Round 6, but I’m really weak on pitching, so if anybody wants to make a trade after this is over, feel free to shoot me a message.” NO. Stop it, My team is barely 1/3 complete, I don’t have the faintest idea of what or if I might trade after this.

The Homer

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My team has so many Yankees, I’m going to dominate this league.

Usually a fan of a good team, they make it known in every way possible who they root for. Look at the team names in your league, see any “RED SOX SUX” or “SPANK THE YANKS” in your league? Be prepared for them to load up on players from their team. They think every player on their favorite team is going to have a career year, and will tell you about it the whole time. Go ahead, take 4 Yankee starting pitchers, only 2 of them are any good anyway.

The No-Show

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Don’t worry, just put it on Auto-Draft

In every draft, no matter what sport, there is ALWAYS one. The one person who for whatever reason can’t make it to draft that night even though they’ve known it was coming weeks in advance. This person will inevitably fuck over more people than anyone else in the draft despite not being there. Be prepared to have the players you want, or have your eye on taken before you have a chance. Why? Because by not showing up they are on auto-draft and just take the highest remaining player. Looking for outfielder help? Aw too bad, there goes Carl Crawford, even though his team already has 5 outfielders.

There they are, I’m sure there are more, if you have someone to look out for in your future drafts, feel free to list them in the comments. But keep this article handy, this will be the most important document in making sure you have a successful and stress free draft.