The Ten Best Jobs in Football
Two chickens in every pot? Screw that! The real American dream is spending Sunday in front of your 60″ flatscreen watching a collective 12 hours of football while you pretend that another week of work isn’t a day or two away. What could be better that that, you ask? How about being paid to be at that game?! Yeah, there are people out there with incredible jobs that get them up close and personal with the greatest sport in America, football. Jobs that are held by regular schmucks like you and me. The only difference is that while they are living the dream, you are on your third bag of Doritos and Terry Bradshaw has not yet begun to stumble through halftime highlights.
In no particular order, here are the ten best real jobs that people hold in the world of football.
1) Kicking Tee Retriever
Your job is to run to the center of the field and grab the kick off tee after the ball is booted to the other end of the field. The only way you can screw this up is if you’re plowed into by the return man or the fifth string linebacker relegated to Special Teams. Sounds like motivation enough to do this awesome job.
Pros: You get to go to every home game, be on the sidelines, and work a grand total of ten minutes per game.
Cons: You do have anywhere from 50,000 to 100,000 watching you and if you trip you’re guaranteed to be on YouTube the next day. No pressure.
2) Cheerleader Photographer
Your entire job is to stand on the sidelines and take photos of NFL Cheerleaders. Then after the game, you spend hours looking at the photos to select the best ones to share with the world.
Pros: You get to take photos of Cheerleaders, duh. Oh and your employer pays for sweet equipment. But mainly the Cheerleader thing.
Cons: Every once in awhile you may get plowed by a sweaty running back as he gets knocked out of bounds. Yeah, still worth it.
3) Browns GM
How does this sound? You work for 6 months without actually doing anything, then you’re “sacrificed” for the misdeeds of the team’s head coach. Your parting gift? How about the remaining three and a half years on your contract! Where do I sign up?!
Pros: 6 months of work for 4 years of pay.
Cons: You have to spend 6 months in Cleveland.
4) Packers Season Ticket Salesman
According to Packers.com, the season ticket waiting list currently has more than 100,000 names on it and is approximately 30 years long. Lambeau Field has been sold out since 1960, so how hard can YOUR job be? Every year, your only job is to send out 100,000+ post cards telling everyone their position in line. I assume pants are optional for this job.
Pros: Job security, probably get access to tickets.
Cons: The risk of 81,000 papercuts when sending out those post cards.
5) Peyton Manning’s Jersey Washer
Peyton was only sacked 303 times in 9380 career passing attempts. Nearly every time you saw him in a game, his jersey looked like it just came back from the dry cleaner.
Pros: A couple of sprays of Febreeze and your job is done.
Cons: Other players’ smelly crap is waiting for you and Dwight Freeney’s jock isn’t going to wash itself.
6) Chain Gang
Your job is to measure 10 yards. Your instrument: a 10 yard long segment of chain with orange sticks on both ends. It’s not like you are given 12 yards of chain and have to do some guesswork. Every once in a while you trot out onto the field, set down your end of the chain, and let the real officials do the rest.
Pros: Traveling the country, attending football games, getting those sweet bumble bee vests. The girl from the Blind Melon video approves.
Cons: Always hearing you’re just a little short on the field, as well as off.
7) Ball Boy
Yeah, you have to wear the mesh kangaroo sack all game, but that’s a small price to pay to be on the sidelines and amongst the players. Plus the bribes from the kickers and quarterbacks to keep sending out the worn balls makes for a lucrative side venture. Could be worse, you could be trudging up and down stadium stairs with 100 pounds of frosty refreshment. Try to resist the urge to slyly smirk at the beer vendor as he applies the Icy Hot to his aching back in the break room. He doesn’t find you cute or amusing, he wants to kill you.
8) Color Commentator
Your partner does all the heavy lifting with the play by play, all you have do is chime in every once in a while with an observation or quip regarding the players.
Pros: Travel the country attending football games and getting paid to BS. If you’re lucky, you’ll get to work with Erin Andrews.
Cons: You might get paired up with Mike Tirico or Ian Eagle.
9) Sports Blogger
You get to work from home, writing about the sport for which you’re most passionate. You get to pour over every detail and make the jokes the mainstream guys want to but can’t. You provide the voice of the common fan while he slaves away in his office cubicle.
Pros: Pants optional.
Cons: Having to try to explain what you do at social and family gatherings.
10) Cheerleaders’ Physician/Masseuse
Ummm….yeah…you need an explanation?