The Ten Biggest ‘April Fools’ Jokes in History
Ah, April 1st. For as long as we can remember this has been the day where everyone is supposed to tolerate inane tomfoolery and child-like general foolishness. But it has also become a day where elaborate tricks and traps are set and sprung on the unwary individual. History happens to be chock full of ‘April Fools’ occurrences which, all in all, have never taken place on or around April 1st, but they were sprung on the unsuspecting public and they are rife with foolishness. So here are the ten biggest ‘April Fools’ jokes that actually didn’t take place on April 1st.
It was October 30th, 1938, and the nation as a whole was just about to get it’s first and possibly the finest radio ‘April Fools’ joke ever. Imagine tuning the dial on one of those big bastard radios and catching a series of news bulletins pronouncing that the world was under attack by invaders from Mars? Yeah, more than just a few pants-shittings happened that day. The next day, after the country was informed that the show was, indeed, a complete charade, many newspapers pissed and moaned about how scary it was and how everyone wanted their mommies. Yeah, well, Orson Welles secured his name that day, for sure.
Hey, guess what wasn’t supposed to lean? Yep. The Pisa Tower. First of all, the damn thing took 177 years to construct in three stages. Right then you ought to assume lots of shit was gonna befall this toppling tower of cards. As it turns out, the foundation was only a mere three meters thick (basically 6.7 feet) which is a pittance considering it was built on shitty soil and weighs 14,500 metric tons. Yeah, one year after it’s initial building, it had already begun to cant to one side. April Fools from Guglielmo.
Christopher Columbus was a bad-ass explorer whose most famous oceanic voyage occurred in 1492 with his ships, the Nina, the Pinta, and the Pussy Getter II. His entire job title was to find a new route to the West Indies so his country (Italy… oh, and Spain) could pillage their delicious spices. Anyone wanna guess where he landed? Yeah, the Bahamas. Even Columbus, as it seems, needed a vacation. Even if it meant accidentally discovering The Americas. Hey thanks for taking that wrong turn an Albuquerque. April Fools!
Coca Cola has gone down in history as perhaps the most dumb-shit company ever to grace this planet. Really? Even though they’re one of the most beloved and well known soft drink producers ever? Yep. Remember ‘New Coke’? Yeah, well I do. In 1985 it seems that Pepsi was kicking the shit out of Coke in both sales and taste tests because, as many said, Pepsi was ‘sweeter’. It was and it is. So, what did Coke do? Well, they threw out their years-old, tried-and-true recipe in favor of something that was closer, yet still far worse, than Pepsi. Everyone was pretty pissed. For good reason. New Coke was a flop of epic proportions. A few months later Coke wised up and brought back the classic as, well, Coca Cola Classic. April Fools! We’re idiots!
In 1982 movie goers were seeing one of two space alien flicks. One of them was The Thing, from John Carpenter, the other became one of the highest grossing films of all time: E.T. Right about that time, the home video game console craze was really heating up, and the newest was the iconic Atari 2600. So, in only stood to reason that -along with lunch boxes, TV trays, Underoos, and Halloween Costumes- the studio ought to commission a video game based on the film. And so they did. And it was, without a shadow of a doubt, one of the most abysmal disappointments in video game history. Oh sure, 1.5 million units did eventually sell that holiday season, but with such a critical lambasting it was only a matter of time before the remaining 4 million went unsold. April Fool! Your shit’s getting buried in Mexico!
It was November 3rd, 1948. The day after the Presidential Election. The Chicago Tribune, a well respected newspaper ran a headline that was not only historically significant, but undeniably incorrect: DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN. But why? Well, as it turns out, the combined jack-assery of both striking newspaper employees and a new style of setting newspaper type that allowed the printer to run stories a day early were to blame. But some even say it was because The Trib ran a story a few years earlier that name-called Harry Truman and still held a grudge. Whatever the case, April Fool, you gun-jumping bird cage liner! Truman obviously won. And the paper still stands. Oh well, revenge can’t always be sweet.
Wanna know how to completely fuck up a charge into a battle? Well, it helps to have the unprepared George Custer as your General, and possibly the collection of only 700 men going up against three combined Native American tribes. You juggle all of that and toss in the fact that the Natives knew the area pretty well and had the visions from Sitting Bull to go by, and yeah, epic defeat is in your immediate future. The year was 1876 and a pretty confident Custer was about to march his men into a battle that would result in not only nearly half of them dying, but also Custer himself. April Fools! It’s not wise to fuck with a Crazy Horse.
The government is nothing if not an ear to people’s outcries. Ha ha ha… yeah, that made me laugh, too. But the one time they did actually decide to listen to specific groups, especially Methodist wack jobs who proclaimed that any intoxication brought on by liquor that wasn’t offered as a religious ceremony was the Devil’s work and should be outlawed. For some reason the Government listened to the church and decided to outlaw production, sale, and imbibing of alcohol thereby instituting Prohibition in 1920. Fortunately, for the remainder of humanity who assumed the lawmakers were a bunch of fucktards, speak-easies ran rampant and booze flowed relatively freely with very little enforcement. And it was that lack of effort in enforcement that eventually led to its repeal in 1933. April Fools! Keeping people from getting their drink on is not a very smart idea.
This is tough one. There are those, like me, who believe that the Earth, as a living organism, can and eventually will heal itself as it has done for billions of years. Sure, that means angry upheavals like quakes and tsunamis and stuff which is basically the planet shifting and correcting. But then there are those who argue that everything Humanity has done to the planet including removing all of the resources, raping its natural beauty, and destroying everything with toxic shit pouring out of every building everywhere, is basically killing it. However you look at it, visually, both schools of thought seem correct since it appears we’re slowly turning or world into a blighted shit hole. April Fools! All of that unnecessary crap you so desperately need is ruining the planet… that you so desperately need.
So who wants to go on an ocean liner? I’ve been told it’s considered ‘unsinkable’! Yeah, sounds like fun. April 5th, 1912, the maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic set out from Southampton, England to New York City with a ship-full of super excited passengers and a boat-load of super wealthy patrons. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: what do you serve 1,517 people to drink? Seawater, over ice. Yeah, the damn boat hit a big fucking chunk of frozen water effectively punching a bunch of holes in the hull. April Fools! Guess what wasn’t unsinkable? Yeah…