The Ten Coolest Uses For Marijuana, Dude!

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So here it is, April twentieth… ya know, 4:20, and we all know what that means… right? Dontcha? Yeah, you know, that means it’s officially time to get shitty on some nice bud. Well, for some of us, anyway. Once you reach a certain age you either choose the past of least resistance, which equals a hell of a lot more pot, or you chose the path with the highest degree of difficulty where spouses and children come into play and thereby far, far less pot. I happen to fall in the latter category and, well, don’t have much use for the star-leafed happy plant. However, there are some other really cool and useful ways we can turn this otherwise one-sided bloom into a more acceptable medium. Read on, smoky… read on.


Medical Cannabis

"Doc, uh, my eyes are... owie. Look, can I have some pot?"

Let’s assume for a minute you have something like glaucoma or a terminal illness that affords you nothing but anguish and suffering and only one thing seems to stay the savagery. Let’s also assume that that particular savior is a big fatty packed full of medical-grade Mary Jane. Well, then you’d both be lucky and a target of some pretty serious bad-mouthing. Eh, who cares. You get free dope and your friends don’t.


A Kick-Ass Truth Serum

"Okay, fire up this blunt and tell me all about Bigfoot."

Seriously. Apparently back during World War II until about the late 1940’s, the O.S.S. found pot to be the most effective way to snare the truth out of the enemy. This makes a bunch of sense to me. Think about the last time you got nice on a boat-load of bud and how much incoherent babbling you likely did. Well, it’s not always gibberish to your audience who might not be high at all. As it turns out, “In May 1943, Major George Hunter White, head of OSS counter-intelligence operations in the US, arranged a meeting with Augusto Del Gracio, an enforcer for gangster Lucky Luciano. Del Gracio was given cigarettes spiked with THC concentrate from cannabis, and subsequently talked openly about Luciano’s heroin operation.” See, Wikipedia kicks ass.


Delicious Hemp Seeds

The alternative to Grape Nuts. And possibly Cheeto's.

Yes, we all know that hemp isn’t necessarily from the actual pot plant, but it is from a cannabis derivative, and therein lies the issue. People like Woody Harrelson who tout the uses of the hemp plant are often shot down because, no matter how the cookie crumbles, it’s still cannabis, i.e.: not necessarily legal. Well, be that as it may, hemp offers some seriously amazing uses. For one, y’all can munch away on the seeds! In fact, according to those in the know, “Hemp seeds contain all the essential amino acids and essential fatty acids necessary to maintain healthy human life. The seeds can be eaten raw, ground into a meal, sprouted, made into hemp milk (akin to soy milk), prepared as tea, and used in baking.” Yum! Did he say cookies back there?


You Need Your Fiber
hemp nettle basketsm

So who wants to roll a joint-SOCKS! I meant socks...

No, no not to eat. This fiber is the actual plant structure itself. There are myriad uses for this particular plant fiber up to and including the following: sail canvas, paper, rope, sisal, twine, and clothing. It has 10% more fiber per plant than either cotton or flax! Lemme tell ya, I’d love me some pants fabricated from some hemp because I would assume it would smell pretty damn good and, maybe, I could accidentally set some of my cuff on fire and chill. Nice.


Mother F*ckin’ Hempcrete

I can't imagine a house ever getting built with this stuff. Snack time!

This sounds like some kind of bizarre sci-fi material created for a Dune novel or something. But, I assure you, it is very real and very damn cool. Basically, here’s the deal: (Thank you Wikipedia) “Hempcrete is a mixture of hemp hurds and lime (possibly including sand, pozzolans or cement) used as a material for construction and insulation. It is marketed under names like Hemcrete, Canobiote, Canosmose, and Isochanvre. Hempcrete is easier to work than traditional lime mixes and acts as an insulator and moisture regulator. It lacks the brittleness of cement and consequently does not need expansion joints.” This is almost as cool as Cheech and Chong’s car!


My Evian Tastes Like a Hippy
Hemp leaves

Sure, you can pour my water through those. Then roll 'em up to go, would ya?

Who doesn’t love the taste of crystal clean bottled and/or filtered water? No one, that’s who. So let’s say for a second that you found a new brand of bottled water marketed under the name, Hempsi and as it turns out, it’s damn good! Well, guess what! Your bottle of Hempsi has been filtered by a process in which hemp fibers were the main component! Well? Yeah, that’s right, you want some Cheetos now, dontcha?


Exhaust Is Awesome
hemp bio fuel

Yeah, we drove for six minutes, so? We need to fill up!

Soon the world might be running their vehicles on nothing by bio-fuels. Dinosaur leavings are a few years away from disappearing completely because we need to run our Hummers and semis constantly. Yeah, well, we’re human and we’re amazingly stupid. Be that as it may, bio-fuels are here and soon to take over. One of which can be made from the seeds of the cannabis plant. Oh yeah. This really makes me wonder if garage suicides via auto exhaust are gonna be more like communal bakes. I’m looking forward to it.


Even More Uses For Your Car

I don't know what this is, but I want it in my car.

Apparently hemp and your automobile have been bedfellows for a while now. Once again I turn to Wikipedia for this amazing nugget of info: “A mixture of fiberglass, hemp fiber, kenaf, and flax has been used since 2002 to make composite panels for automobiles. The choice of which bast fiber to use is primarily based on cost and availability.” Wait. I have hemp in my car? Be right back…


Let’s Get Healthy
Hemp Oil

Salad. Now.

Everyone knows now that using saturated fats and trans-fatty oils is taboo as shit. So, the desire to find super-healthy alternatives for a better life is a major issue. Well, as it turns out, hemp oil is one of the lowest in saturated fat you can find. Well, find is a relative word since you probably can’t buy any near you. Internet, definitely. Anyway, you can’t really cook with it since the smoke point (the point at which it smokes… not what you think) is super low. However, you can keep foods in it and, presumably, drink it. Can you cook Doritos in it… no, probably not.


Rollin’ A Fat Doobie


Hey, it is 4:20 after all! What better way to celebrate the uses of marijuana, cannabis, and hemp than to dry it, pick out the seeds and the schwag, and roll that shit up and put flame to twist. Mmmm…. Enjoy the day, kids!