Five Things To Do With Your Kids Over Winter Break

rs 178589 MSDNALA EC037 H 560x315If you have children you’re about to almost wish you’d pulled out all those years ago because it’s Winter Break (or Christmas Vacation). That’s right, parents, it’s that time of year where it isn’t quite mid-way through the school season, but it sure is time for your school district to let your kids hang around at your house, during the DAY, for the better part of two weeks. This just isn’t fair. No smart parent wants their kids lingering about in their pajamas stinking up the place for fourteen whole days! This shit is just ludicrous! Now might be a good time to put a call in to your local Wacky Shack, friends.

Well, the fact still remains that you are going to have to entertain your mouth-breathing succubi and not by just donkey-kicking them out into the snow, as much fun as that sounds. No, you need to jack your parenting skills into full-on panic mode and seriously try to find something for your gibbering baboons to do. Hopefully, the following list of suggestions will help you, as a parent, not want to actively sit in a bathtub with your plugged-in toaster.

1) Take Them to School Anyway

If your kids are anything like normal kids, they are incredibly gullible idiots. Sure, they might think they have a nice, long vacation coming but all you need to do is tell them that the school called and that their vacation has been canceled or rescheduled or some such bullshit and let them know that the following Monday they’re going right back to class! You wake them up, dress them in snow gear, and drive them right to the school’s front door! Sure they’ll ask why nobody’s there, but you can just mumble something about fiscal cutbacks or something, drop them off, and peel out. Don’t worry, the janitor will keep them entertained. Head home and help your wife try on that new lingerie you got her. Win!

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2) Teach Them to Cook

Well, since it’s pretty likely your kids figured out your ploy about their school canceling vacation, it’s probably a good idea to start teaching them a valuable life tool for when they turn 18 and you slam and lock the front door behind them unceremoniously. It’s high time your little ankle biters learned to cook! Besides, teaching them this trick will give you ample time to suck down a bottle of Merlot while they coat the kitchen with baking powder and peanut butter. Get out those dusty, never-opened tomes full of recipes your grandma gave you on your wedding day 15 years ago, and start showing those freeloaders how to bake Snickerdoodles or how to make Duck Confit with shallot reduction and a melange of beet greens and Swiss Chard. It’ll be fun and make you either feel closer to your kids, or super drunk and closer to your kids’ intelligence.

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3) Make a Game Out of Cleaning

If your house isn’t already a dystopian nightmare filled with candy wrappers and dog hair, it’s going to be the day after Christmas. As the wrapping paper begins to settle and those six missing LEGO bricks find themselves wedged between your toes, maybe then would be a fine time to set those kids to cleaning mode. And you can make a fun game out of it, too! Maybe hide a ten in your pocket and tell them it’s under the flurry of trash strewn about the room and if they find it they get to keep it, or let them know for every bag of trash they fill they get to eat food for another day! Anything can be fun, just think motivation, candy, and threats and your family room will be spotless in no time!

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4) Take Back Presents They Didn’t Want

Since most kids are ungrateful ass monsters, there’s little denying that yours likely fall into a similar category. And since it’s Christmas, and children country-wide will be opening boxes full of disappointment because we, as parents, insist on not kowtowing to their lists of demands for the holiday, chances are pretty good that you’re going to have to spend some amount of time returning the shitty gifts they glowered at so disdainfully. Well, that seems like a fun quest, now doesn’t it? And maybe, just maybe, Santa left them a few gift cards or even cash that they can combine with the returns from the dictionaries and talking Mexican robots and get that PS4 or X-Ball or whatever the hell. Or maybe they can learn empathy and how to respect their elders and accept what they are given with a smile. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha… yeah, right.

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5) Create Homework

Just because your sneaky little offspring didn’t fall for the school joke from earlier doesn’t mean you shouldn’t make them feel like it’s school and start handing out the homework. And the best part is, homework doesn’t even have to be the useless garbage they’re currently learning in class! Oh hell no! Why not actually make the homework useful and beneficial to you! Why, they could sit down and itemize receipts (after all, tax season is right around the bend), they could re-configure the family budget (Christmas kind of drained you this year), or even do things that aren’t math related such as properly spelling and labeling your spice rack, use engineering to keep the Christmas lights untangled, or practice chemistry by brewing your own beer! Anything goes as long as it keeps them out of your hair so you can freely watch all the College Bowl games. Aren’t kids great?

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