Top 12 Things We Learned From the 2010 Super Bowl Ads

Many, many lessons were learned from last night’s Super Bowl commercials. Jay Leno hates NBC more than he hates David Letterman, Coors Light and Pepsi are quitters, simpletons love animals and Ellen Griswold has aged better than Clark. If nothing else though, let’s not say those millions of dollars were wasted, let’s say they were investments in education…

1. Violence is always the answer. Tackle your mother for not aborting you, biff people in the back of the head while they are trying to solve crime, slap your potential stepfather in the face, whip a Dorito into someone’s carotid artery, collar shock a teaser, and punch someone next time you see any Volkswagon, even if they’re blind.
   

   Punchbuggy Black! Wait...

2. The people at Go Daddy and Motorola get boners at the drop of a hat. How is a girl in a tank top and spandex shorts Too Hot For TV?  This is what you’ve made me go all the way to your website for?  Megan Fox’s head and shoulders cause power surges? Betty White being tackled into a mud puddle was more titillating. I just registered AdExecsNeedToGetLaidMoreOften.com.
   

   This'll give the suits some pants tents.

3. Brett Favre being indecisive will be hysterical until the day he dies. Or just pretends to in a Doritos-filled coffin.
4. The Hangover is having way too much impact on our society. Stealing killer whales is way funnier than tigers and chickens, unattractive men in their underwear is hilarious, and 64% of all men suddenly have beards.  (Kudos to Bridgestone, though, for warning us that the guy driving with the orca in his pickup is a professional driver on a closed course and that we shouldn’t attempt it.)
5. Creepy CGI’d heads on little bodies are the future. This applies to everything from classic fairy tales to stale holiday traditions.  It worked for the Wayans Brothers, why not everything else.

   

   I asked her for a little head, but this is ridiculous.

6. Lance Armstrong drinks Michelob Ultra. If he had a pair, he’d drink something better.
7. Orthopedic shoes are finally cool. And they help you get in shape.  Although Joe Montana wouldn’t dare be seen in them.  Thanks Skechers!  Where were you when I was 9?
   

   Skechers Orthopedics!

8. Giant orange dildos pick up spares with authority.
   

   Bowling Dildo

9. Matt Groening has outgrown his 12^th mansion. The Simpsons are now hawking sugar water to kids, which according to my calculations, means that Budweiser should be bottling that real Duff beer right about now.  Right, hypocrite?
   

   Yeeessss...I've found Smithers' replacement.

10. Charles Barkley raps worse than he swings a golf club.
11. Hot tubs are back in a big, big way. Especially if you’re a beaver, a teddy bear or just another dude with a Hangover beard stranded on an island.  Soon available in Time Machine models as well.
    

    Hot Tubbin' Like It's 1985

12. Google’s one ad was more effective than all the rest combined. It showed what their product is and what it does best.  This is why their stock is $531 a share and Budweiser was forced to sell out to a European company.  By the way, I found both those things out through Google.