The Most Awful Games For The NES
Ya know, not every movie franchise requires a company to crap out an asinine video game for it. Even those just begging to be pixelized. So when Burton’s Batman hit the theaters, there was little doubt that someone would find a need to want to control a blue humanoid wad and chuck U-shaped blocks at people. Morons.
19. DRAGON WARRIOR
Take what was fun about Final Fantasy and set it on fire. Now, scrape up what was left and feed it to a wild dog. Collect the resulting pile, market it, and you’ve essentially got Dragon Warrior only somehow worse.
18. NINJA GAIDEN
It amazes me that every single damn ninja I see (and I see at least a half-dozen a day) springs fairy-like from roof top to roof top while flicking a sharpened stick from his crotch! It’s really getting out of hand. Hmm… I wonder if a game was ever made where I could emulate that…
17. TECMO BOWL
Let me tell you a story: Not so very long ago, a hero of the NFL named Bo Jackson was plastered all over every commercial and ad around. One day, the valiant Oakland Raider was asked to be part of a football video game for the Nintendo. Bo obliged but only, he suggested wanly, if he could be the master of the reverse and outrun everyone effortlessly. The rest is history.
16. TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES
Is anything, I ask you, more fun than commandeering a group of over sized, weapon festooned reptiles through city sewers? The answer is yes. Yes indeed.
Uh… So, you’re a guy, I guess, with a disk on your arm and you bash aliens repeatedly and die? Sounds fun.
14. DOUBLE DRAGON
You just knew this was going to be a quality cart when the opening sequence shows the very woman you’re trying to save taking a donkey punch from the bad guys. That in and of itself looked more fun than the actual game turned out to be.
Remember back in high school when you first got into taking that second language we were all required to take and just how pointlessly and frustratingly confusing it was? Welcome to Shadowgate. Wipe your feet on the way in.
12. TRACK AND FIELD
“Hey mom, can we get a game that’ll make our fingers bleed and require you to purchase an ass-load of new controllers? We can? Cool!
11. SKATE OR DIE 2
Look! Now everyone can do a McTwist! Mc Piss off.
10: MIKE TYSON’S PUNCH-OUT
What could be more boring than a boxing video game? Well, watching grass mate, possibly. But you’d be hard pressed to find a video game for the NES that looked, sounded, and played as completely moronically as Punch-Out. Oh, and add the element of Mike Tyson and you’re just pissing all over an already piss-coated video game.
9: BLADES OF STEEL
Hey, I know what would be a laugh riot: let’s take the concept of an already pointlessly dull game like air hockey, ask a 3 year-old to animate it in an NHL style, and make it into a cart for the NES! Wow, now we’re on to something! With controls about a crisp as a corpse’s daddy-parts, Blades of Steel was equal parts not fun and less fun.
FIrst of all, Samus was a chick. That right there is instance enough to back over this game with a truck. Secondly, spending several hours jumping up a floating ladder just to get tripped up by a spiked jackass only to careen all the way back down made me want to strangle the game makers with the controller cord. Screw you, screw attack!
Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start. That was all you really needed to know to get through this side-scrolling crap-festival. Playing two-player for twice the aggravation, are ya? Well, make sure you leave your lagging partner behind as often as you can. It’ll kill him that much faster!
Oh Heavens no, not DRACULA! What ever shall we do? Fear not, just take up the reigns of Simon Belmont and your trusty… wait, a whip? No, I said CASTLEVANIA not DUMB-ASS INDIANA JONES SEQUEL! Still the whip, huh? Well at least Dracula’s got to be really tough to beat and not all the baddies you have to go through first right? Hello?
Anyone wanna play blocks? Oh, you’d rather play your Nintendo. Well, have I got a surprise for you!
4: METAL GEAR
Remember when you were a kid and you did something really bad that you just knew you were going to get in a butt-load of trouble for so you hid around the house and tried at all costs to avoid your parents? Welcome to Metal Gear. Have fun!
3: MEGA MAN 2
So, much like the first disappointment, Dr. Light’s Mega Man must go through ridiculously difficult worlds battling the forces of Dr. Wily and absorbing the powers of the various Mega Man wannabe’s at the end of each one. I personally like Wood Man. Get it? He’s a robot and wood? Shut up.
2: THE LEGEND OF ZELDA
You are little Link in the land of Hyrule and you must travel over thousands of miles through hundreds of acres of land and many dark and pointless caves in order to rescue the princess fro… hey, where are you going?
1: SUPER MARIO BROTHERS 3
Excuse me, sir? Do you offer a game where I can take the role of a bad stereotypical Italian plumber who can morph into a raccoon or a boot and who regularly stomps on turtles, walking mushroom people, and collects thousands of coins with no visible means of containment? Why are you calling the police?