A Tribute to Al Bundy

By Ben on November 1st, 2011

The FOX sitcom Married… with Children, which ran for 11 seasons, gave us the American hero Al Bundy — patriarch of a dysfunctional family from Chicago. Why was he an American hero? Because he represented the working class schmuck who had a lousy job, an annoying wife, a slutty daughter, a weasel son, yet still managed to wisecrack his way through the day as he fitted shoes on fat women. In other words, he was a hero because he handled situations that we all could relate to.

Played expertly by Ed O’Neill, Al Bundy was no Archie Bunker. Al was dumber. He longed for his glory days as a high school football star. His hobbies were going to the nudie bar, looking at hooters and bowling. Now let’s pay tribute to the one, the only… Al Bundy.

Bundy’s job: Gary’s Shoes & Accessories for Today’s Woman at the New Market Mall
Salary: Between $3.20 and $3.25 an hour

Al Bundy Quotes

“Pretty women make us buy beer… ugly women make us… drink beer.”

“It must be your mother. Tell her I said ‘oink’.”

“If you want something fixed right, get an ugly guy to do it.”

“If God had wanted women to play ball, he would’ve made them men.”

“Guys may come and guys may go, but daddy’s always daddy… well, at least until he jumps a freight train.”

“We all have to live with our disappointments… I have to sleep with mine.”

“There’s two things that the Bundy’s don’t do. We don’t eat vegetables and we don’t tap.”

“Computers and women are ruining the country.”

“If you want to have sex, the kids have to leave, and if you want it to be good, you’ll have to leave.”

“Come on baby. We’ve got things to do; eyes to blindfold and babies to make.”

“I will show him the same kind of respect that any father would show a 41-year-old man who dates his teenage daughter.”

“Am I truly nothing? Could the neighborhood children be right?”

“We could always have another daughter, but as we both know, this is the car I’m going to have the rest of my life.”

“Now wait a second. My pretty teenage daughter with the brain of a fruit-fly earned a thousand dollars in three nights. Should I be worried?”

“Now kids, we’re not here to attack each other. We’re here to attack the baby.”

“I’m still giddy with the thought that possibly, just possibly, I might have sat at the same toilet seat as Bob Hope.”

“Peg, you know I warned you before about touching me.”

“I’m gonna give this to the only one I truly love… me!”

“There is so much that I wanna say to you but there’s a show coming on that I wanna watch.”

“People who work putting shoes on fat women who wear dresses should not have 20/20 vision.”

“If you need me I’ll be at the nudie bar.”

“Peg, you can stab me with knives, you can beat me with clubs, you can make me open my eyes when we’re having sex but there’s no way on earth you can make me get a second job.”

“Six bucks is too much money to spend on any woman.”

“If dynamite was dangerous, do you think they’d sell it to an idiot like me.”

“Marriage stinks, have a kid. Kid stinks, have another kid.”

“That’s what being a man is like: making mistakes and not caring.”