Trump Orders Wannabe Authoritarian Military Parade

By Philip Van der Vossen on February 7th, 2018

“President” Donald Trump, who once accepted a Purple Heart from a supporter, but famously dodged Vietnam with “Bone Spurs” is fond of the power and might of the military. Some mistake his fondness for the military with patriotism, or respect for veterans, but his actions have long showed that he cares not for anyone or anything but himself.

So it came as no surprise that Trump wanted a show of military force at his Inauguration parade. Thankfully, the armed services turned down that request, which would have been a clear waste considering how many people showed up for that parade.

But Trump likes big trucks and heavy equipment, so they tried to satisfy his need for big toys by having really big tractors at his private inaugural parade.

However that was not enough for Trump, who still longed to show the world that he is a strongman like Vladimir Putin. The lack of tanks and missile launchers at his inauguration upset Trump greatly, as shown below.

Then came a trip to France for Bastille Day, where Trump witnessed a two-hour military parade on the Champs-Élysées. It reportedly held his attention, and inspired him to want a grand military parade even more in Washington, DC. So now the White House and Pentagon have confirmed that Trump has indeed ordered a parade like you might see in North Korea or Russia.

They plan to disguise it as a patriotic salute to the troops or a celebration of WWII, but we all know better. We’re talking about a man who tweeted that he has a bigger nuclear button than Kim Jong Un. This parade is about keeping the wannabe dictator authoritarian in the White House happy, like the image below.

Republican Senator John Kennedy provided the perfect response to this ridiculous plan,

“I think confidence is silent and insecurity is loud,” Kennedy said. “America is the most powerful country in all of human history. You don’t need to show it off.”

Shepard Smith on Fox News has suggested that they just give Trump some toy tanks to play with on his desk, which is a fine suggestion to distract him. However we have another solution. Just impeach Cadet Bone Spurs before he ever gets his silly parade, and then 65% of the country can celebrate with a fabulous Impeachment Parade!

Instead of goose-stepping clones marching down Pennsylvania Avenue saluting Trump, we expect the biggest celebration of people on the National Mall ever held. Instead of big heavy military equipment, we’re picturing some parade floats like these.