The Twinkiepocalypse

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Hostess’ impasse with a labor agreement has cause Hostess to request a full liquidation of the bankrupt company. On several levels, a potential ruling ceasing Hostess’ base of operations could not come at a worse time. First of all, the roving mobs of stoners who do not eat Chalupas will practically overtake cities such as Portland, Oregon as well as Little Rock, Arkansas. The more immediate concern arise in the states of Colorado as well as Washington. Colorado is especially problematic. Both states have recently legalized marijuana for recreational use. Colorado (and the Denver area in particular) seems to attract potheads as well as gun hoarders. This is the same area of activity that brought the Columbine as well as the Dark Knight Rises shootings. Scared, slow-moving mobs of pot zombies as well as a gun hoarders need to defend themselves with lethal force at the slightest provocation is a recipe for disaster. The Twinkiepocalypse is also especially troubling in light of other forecasts of doom.

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The Mayan Calendar ends on December 21st, 2012. For those paying attention, December 21st, 2012 is a little more than a month away. People who can only reason by internet rumors as well as what they see in animation will astutely point out Family Guy’s episode Da Boom. Da Boom focused on the scare over the Y2K but taught stoners one relevant fact, Twinkies will survive any potential apocalypse. This piece of information was backed up when they watched Zombieland with Woody Harrelson a decade later.

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Yes, Woody Harrelson is now officially the most important man alive! Think about what the Wood man has been trying to tell us for years. Woody has been at the forefront of the legalized pot debate. Woody stressed the importance of hoarding Twinkies in Zombieland. Woody also played the part of  a paranoid mountaintop prophet in 2012.

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Studying the life of Woody Harrelson may very soon be the DaVinci Code of survival in the coming age. This is the revelation that years of marijuana usage as well as hanging out with Oliver Stone will do for you. The run on Twinkies, Guns, and old Cheers DVDs is about to start. Its going to get brutal, so lets start listening to the one prophet puppet that we can all trust. We have to go to the source. We have to go to… the Brain Gremlin.

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The Brain Gremlin (featured in Gremlins 2: The New Batch) had some very relevant pieces of advice for just the situation in which we nationally find ourselves in. Lets examine the transcript of the Brain Gremlin’s discussion with Grandpa Fred.

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Brain Gremlin: Fred, what we want is, I think, what everyone wants, and what you and your viewers have: civilization.
Grandpa Fred: Yes, but what sort of civilization are you speaking of?
Brain Gremlin: The niceties, Fred. The fine points: diplomacy, compassion, standards, manners, tradition… that’s what we’re reaching toward. Oh, we may stumble along the way, but civilization, yes. The Geneva Convention, chamber music, Susan Sontag. Everything your society has worked so hard to accomplish over the centuries, that’s what we aspire to; we want to be civilized.
[a Gremlin with a beanie cap acts goofy next to Brain]
Brain Gremlin: You take a look at this fellow here.
[Brain shoots the Gremlin in the head. The Gremlins in the bar laugh. Grandpa Fred and Kujitsu leave]
Brain Gremlin: Now, was that civilized? No, clearly not. Fun, but in no sense civilized. Now, bear in mind, none of us has been in New York before. There are the Broadway shows – we’ll have to find out how to get tickets. There’s also a lot of street crime, but I believe we can watch that for free. We want the essentials. Dinettes. Complete bedroom groups. Convenient credit, even though we’ve been turned down in the past.

The Brain Gremlin not only told us that eventually roving packs of smelly hippies might be raiding large cities for sustenance and culture. The Brain Gremlin also stated exactly how we should deal with this sort of situation (should it occur.)

Brain Gremlin: “Well, it’s rather brutal here. Right now we are advising all our clients to put everything they’ve got into canned food and shotguns. “

In the coming war between stoners and doomsday preppers, the Brain Gremlin laid out a blueprint. Unfortunately, the Brain Gremlin himself turned in to a sort of unrecognizable goo, the Brain Gremlin’s voice Tony Randall has passed on, and we may have to find Gremlins 2 writer Charles S. Haas for advice on what to do.

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Remember, stoners may be slow-moving as well as easy to confuse, however they do tend to travel in large groups and will over take you. Your Hostess products are not worth it. Surrender them as quickly as possible. They only want the Twinkies and to a lesser extent the Ding Dongs. Once thrown, the mob’s overall agro will divert away from you to the golden goodness you have thrown on the ground. They are not good trackers and will not look for you. They only want more Twinkies. Do not get in between them and bakery aisles at Wal-Mart. You are more important than your Twinkies. Please be safe in these perilous times.

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