Unintentionally Homoerotic Films
Before I start treading too heavily on thin ice here, let me first explain what’s going on. Some films are made to be homoerotic for the soul purpose of just being that way. For example, Brokeback Mountain and The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Others, like the 20 on this list, are really not supposed to be construed that way at all. Now, it’s true that certain directors and writers of these on the list have come forward and admitted to honestly making specific scenes the way they turned out: overtly homoerotic. Case in point, the director of the Top Gun scene basically called it soft-core porn. Well, be that as it may, these films have such obvious unintentionally ‘gay’ overtones that it’s almost laughable. Check them out and maybe you’ll see something you missed the first ten times you’ve seen them.
Deliverance
Mountain Man: I bet you can squeal like a pig. Weeeeeeee!
Bobby: Weee! Mountain Man: Weeeeeeee!
Bobby: Weee!
I think that says it all.
The Craft
A movie about female outcasts turn witches from an LA Catholic School who become just a little too comfortably close with each other’s company.
Nancy: I drink of my sisters, and I take into myself… all the power of Manon.
Pearl Harbor
Rafe: Danny, you can’t die. You can’t die. You know why? ‘Cause you’re gonna be a father. You’re gonna be a daddy. I wasn’t supposed to tell you. You’re gonna be a father.
Danny: No, you are.
And there ya go.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Don’t get me wrong, I love this movie, but Matthew Broderick has never struck me as a full on man’s man, if you dig. Also, his wife looks like a foot.
Ferris: If you’re not over here in fifteen minutes, you can find a new best friend.
Cameron: You’ve been saying that since the fifth grade.
Fright Night
As Unintentionally Homoerotic vampire movies go (and there are a bunch of them) this one has some pretty heavy, um, overtones. Regardless, Evil Ed is a BAD ASS.
Charley Brewster: Jesus, I warned him!
Evil Ed: He got me, Charley! He bit me! You know what you’re gonna have to do now, don’t you? Kill me. Kill me, Charley… before I turn into a vampire, and… GIVE YOU A HICKEY!
Batman & Robin
The fourth in the original film series begun with Burton and Keaton that features the uncomfortably close pairing of Clooney and O’Donnell oozing heroic filth all over one another. Man, Alicia Silverstone looked less feminine. Just check out :13 and :14 alone for what I mean. Goodness.
Robin: I could have made that jump!
Batman: And you could have splattered your brains all over the side of the building.
Robin: You know, in the circus, the Flying Graysons were a team. We had to trust each person to do their jobs. That’s what being partners is all about. Sometimes, counting on someone else is the only way you win.
Batman: Your head wasn’t even on the job. All you could think about was Poison Ivy.
Robin: You just can’t stand it! Maybe she wanted me instead of you. I mean, this is your idea of friendship, isn’t it, Bruce? It’s your house, it’s your rules, it’s your way to the highway! It’s Batman and Robin, not Robin and Batman, and I’m sick of it!
Road House
Yes, I understand that Patrick Swayze was full of kick-ass-ery in this flick and he beds Kelly Lynch, but it’s just far too full of sweaty guys rubbing up against each other no to have been winking and nodding and the non-women crowd.
Jimmy: I used to fuck guys like you in prison.
Road Warrior
Though this film, along with its predesessor, are easily considered some of the manliest movies ever, they are still some of the ‘manliest’ movies ever. Ya know.
The Gyro Captain: Lingerie. Oh, remember lingerie?
Beaches
This movie is on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. It’s a chick flick full of women proclaiming their undying love for women. And I don’t mean that in any positive way. Trust me.
Hillary: I don’t even remember what it was I was mad about and I don’t care. Whatever it was that you did, I forgive you. CC Bloom: What I did? You and your lousy letters. Just to get one of them made me special even before I opened it. All your crappy stories, all your big dreams.
Hillary: I didn’t know that.
CC Bloom: Well, what the hell did you know? Did you know how bad things were for me? No, because you wouldn’t even open my letters. If you had even answered one, just one! Told me what a jerk I was, anything! But you didn’t. You took your friendship away without even discussing it with me. So, thank you very much for forgiving me. But I don’t forgive you.
The Covenant
This tour de force is basically the opposite of The Craft focusing on a bunch of gents being all comfy cozy with each other while they battle evil. As male witches. No, not like Harry Potter. Way different.
Aaron Abbot: What the hell are you staring at, faggot?
Chase Collins: That thing between your legs. It’s like a penis, but smaller.
A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge
What? The film franchise with a dream-haunting child mollester has homoerotic overtones? Say it aint so! Oh, it’s so and so is the gym scene in this classic sequel.
Jesse Walsh: Hey, Grady, do you remember your dreams?
Ron Grady: Only the wet ones.
Coach Snyder: No talking!
Twilight
Do I even have to tell you?
Edward Cullen: I hate you for making me want you so much.
Footloose
Kevin Bacon shows an entire town how to get down and or funky. And a lot of other guys dance, too. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Did I mention Kenny Loggins provides the title track? Just sayin’.
Ren: [to Willard] Hey, I like that hat, man. They sell men’s clothes where you got that?
Jailhouse Rock
Elvis just loved getting taught the ways of Big House law by that giant, cuddly guard. You just know he did.
Vince Everett: Yeah, I guess I *did* get a lot of wrist action into it, didn’t I?
Thelma and Louise
The classic ‘Women Road Movie’ where two ladies completely profess their undying love and friendship for one another by driving off a cliff. Thank goodness for that.
Thelma: I know it’s crazy, but I just feel like I got a knack for this shit.
Louise: I believe you do.
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
Again: just because this film is an absolute classic does not give it free license to be avoided by the alternative lifestyle community. This one is so ridiculously full of overt and subversive refrences that it’s almost criminal.
Butch: Kid, there’s something I ought to tell you. I never shot anybody before.
Kid: One hell of a time to tell me.
300
Here’s you: What the F*CK? 300? That is NOT RIGHT!
Here’s me: Have you watched the movie?
Seriously though, it is a manly film without a doubt, bit it’s so full of male meat it’s almost scary.
Stelios: It’s an honor to die at your side.
King Leonidas: It’s an honor to have lived at yours.
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Here’s the discussion of why this movie is, well, what it is by Randall from Clerks 2:
Now here’s why.
Lost Boys
Look, I can’t hold this in any longer: Gayest. Horror. Movie. EVER.
Sam Emerson: Got a problem, guys?
Edgar Frog: Just scoping your civilian wardrobe.
Sam Emerson: Pretty cool, huh?
Alan Frog: For a fashion victim.
Top Gun
And here we are: the absolute zenith of homoerotically suggestive films right here. Not just the beach volleyball scene, but every other scene in this movie as well. It makes me laugh almost to the point of illness every time I watch it.
[watching a video of planes being shot down]
Wolfman: This gives me a hard on.
Hollywood: Don’t tease me.
