The Week That Was In Hollywood BS
We here at Gunaxin would love to report on all the nonsense going on in Tinseltown in a prompt and timely manner, but we’re very busy power napping and watching all-girl Icelandic porn, so some stories are bound to slip through the asscrack. To help remedy this egregious error, here’s a brief summary of the most ridiculous Hollywood BS from the week that was.
The latest Die Hard flick has an awesome title – It’s bad enough the suits over at FOX greenlit another chapter in the life and times of detective John McClane, but now we have to endure its stupefyingly awful name: A Good Day to Die Hard. Well played, FOX. I prefer The Sisterhood of the Traveling Wife-Beater myself.
Married lesbians are fun(ny) – HBO loves alternative lifestyle family dramas (Six Feet Under, Big Love) so it should come as no surprise the pay cable net is developing the Oscar-nominated The Kids Are All Right into an hour-long series. The only way this will be watchable is if there are scenes of hardcore cunnilingus in every episode.
Chechen Warlords are human too – People are up in arms over Hilary Swank and Jean-Claude Van Damme’s decision to attend Chechen strongman Ramzan Kadyrov’s 35th birthday bash. Evidently Kadyrov enjoys executing and torturing folks. That sucks and all, but the dude pays $500,000 to $1 million to celebs for their RSVP. Geesh, sign me up, please. I’d waterboard a bitch for that kind of coin.
The Thor sequel will be directed by a girl – In an obvious cost-cutting move, the brain trust behind Thor 2 has pegged Patty Jenkins to call the shots. Her only other big screen project was Monster, which won Charlize Theron an Oscar for Best Actress. You can’t have a chick direct a Thor movie. That’s like casting a Jew to play an athlete.
The ’80s were so gay – In an interview with Maxim, Jon Cryer refuted the notion that his Duckie character from Pretty in Pink was gay. C’mon Jon, the kid’s best and only friend was a girl who liked to sew dresses. Not to mention, he looked like this:
Yeah, straight as an arrow.
Woody Allen likes to fiddle around – More movie moniker news. Woody Allen has changed the name of his latest flick from Bop Decameron (WTF?!) to Nero Fiddled. In other words, he dumped the overly pretentious title in exchange for one that sounds like an Italian porno. Nice. But who or what did Nero fiddle? I’m guessing his teenage Korean stepdaughter. Wink wink, nudge nudge, know whatahmean?