What Should Become the 51st State?

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Recently, the US House voted to give Puerto Rico a non-binding vote on its status as a commonwealth.  This is the first vote in the process for Puerto Rico to become the 51st state of the Union.  This will be the fourth time that Puerto Rico will be voting to change it’s status, with all three previous times (the latest in 1998) leading to a selection to remain a commonwealth.  By remaining a commonwealth, Puerto Ricans can’t vote for the President and their congressional delegate has no voting privileges, but neither do they have to pay federal taxes and still get to enjoy the protection of the US military.

This vote made Gunaxin think, if Puerto Rico still doesn’t want to be the 51st State, who should?  Take a look at our suggestions below and vote for your favorite.

CUBA

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With Florida having lost a lot of its luster to elderly Americans, Cuba becoming the 51st state would solve the coming problem of where to send our old people to die our senior citizens can go to live out their golden years.  With temperatures warmer than Florida and being an island nation, what Octogenarian wouldn’t want to live there? By becoming a US State, the trade embargo and Communist regime would be removed.

Added Bonus: Cuban cigars will be much easier to purchase within the US.

CANADA

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Canada, AKA, America Lite just makes damn sense to become the 51st state.  We share the world’s longest undefended border, are both multi-cultural nations and in many ways it’s Canada’s destiny to become the 51st state. Plus, just imagine how great the US hockey team would be if it was made up of both US and Canadian players. Though Celine Dion would now be a US citizen.

Added Bonus: Dramatic increase in the number of beavers in the US.

MEXICO

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Having to defend a 2,000 mile border sucks.  Why not just adopt Mexico as the 51st state and shrink the size of the border we have to defend.  This would solve a large portion of the illegal immigration problem as well, effectively making Mexicans US citizens.  Plus, we already celebrate Cinco de Mayo (though much moreso than the people of Mexico).

Added Bonus: Becoming the 51st state would really piss off the Minute Men (a well earned name, or so the ladies tell us) and end the talk of making English the only language of the US.

US VIRGIN ISLANDS

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The US Virgin Islands is already a US territory, and would be easy to incorporate into statehood.  With great tourism and being home to one of the world’s largest oil refineries, the benefits are apparent. (what? did you expect a virgin joke?)

Added Bonus: Medical students that couldn’t quite make the cut at US based medical schools, would no longer have to go abroad for medical school.

Added Bonus #2: Get to learn how US citizens would classify people from the US Virgin Islands, would they be Virgins, Virginians (uh oh that one is taken) or Virginites.

ALBANIA

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You might be saying to yourself, “Self, Albania is an odd choice here”.  Well let us allay that concern.  Albanians are bad ass, being the one of the only Eastern European nations to kick out the Nazis without help from the Soviets. Albanians love us, with the mayor of the capital city in 2007 saying, “Albania is for sure the most pro-American country in Europe, maybe even in the world…”.  In addition, the average age in Albania is 28.9, which would help with the influx of young people in our aging society.

Added Bonus: Um well….We’ll get back to you on that one.

UNITED KINGDOM

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The US and the UK have shared a “special relationship” for years.  The US does what it wants and the UK agrees with them, cause frankly it’s a little bitch.  It’s not everyday that you see a superpower that used to have colonial powers over a nation, become a state within said nation.

Added Bonus: Spotted Dick becomes a part of the US diet.

WASHINGTON D.C.

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Why isn’t this a state already?  It has 600,000 residents, lies within the US mainland and is the seat of government of the freaking country.  Now we’ve all heard that Washington DC is full of crooks and liars, but so was Georgia at one time (a former penal colony) and that worked out pretty well.

Added Bonus: 600,000 tax paying US citizens would be given representation in Congress.  I seem to recall some slogan dealing with taxation and representation.

FRANCE

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This country is listed here solely for the ease in making it a state.  All the US would have to do is drop some paratroopers in and France would surrender and readily become a state.

Added Bonus: We wouldn’t have to ever hear about Freedom fries again.

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