Old Wives’ Tales Updated for the 21st Century
An old wives’ tale, despite what your misogynistic Uncle may have told you, is not your Aunt’s sagging rear end. It’s simply a folksy-type saying that people use to correct behaviors or go along with superstitions of their era.
We’ve all heard them, and while some may still hold value to the weird old lady with 18 cats living down the street, many of them are archaic and outdated. We’ve decided to go through and fix them so that you, too, can spout nonsensical wisdom at young people.
Gum takes seven years to digest
This one was made up to keep children from swallowing their chewing gum. Like anything you ingest, scientifically speaking, gum will pass through your digestive tract in about 12 to 24 hours. Faster if you take on the spicy burrito challenge at George’s House of Taco.
Dandelions make wishes come true
Obviously, before we had television, internet and masturbatory lubricants, people were starved for entertainment. The upside of telling your kids this old tale is that you get the weeds pulled in your yard for free.
Itchy palms equals money in your future
Make a wish on the first star you see
Before entertainment, people were big into wishes. This alleviated boredom and gave them false hope that a cruel and unforgiving world would soon crush them under its collective heel while stealing your lunch money, your wife and your dog.