Women Suck at Stand-Up Comedy

We’ve got a long way to go in the land of gender equality. The woman’s liberation movement was, when? In the 70s? So let’s say it’s been almost 40 years since Gloria Steinam and her band of marching chicks fought for the rights for women to go up on stage and tell jokes. And not one has done so successfully. Did some a-hole shout Lisa Lampanelli? I said WOMAN, not BALROG.  Here are ten women who are (unfortunately) the TOP stand-up comedians of their gender. GROAN.

cho 75x75

10. Margaret Cho

“Hey, I’m a female Asian comedian! Laugh! Please laugh!” Incidentally, Cho is also No. 10 on Gunaxin’s Top Ten Celebrities Who Had Abortions list.

images21 75x75

9. Kathy Griffin

I’d rather kill myself than listen to this Ronald-McDonald lookalike. Seriously. Kidnap me, give me a gun and a video of her, and ten times out of ten the bullet will go through my skull as that video plays. I’d pull the trigger till the clip was empty if I could.

images22 75x75

8. Rita Rudner

Virtually stapled to Vegas, Rudner ain’t even close to being funny. Her jokes take FO-EVA to unfold and who’s got that kind of attention span? Talk faster and add a real punch-line, bee-atch.

images23 75x75

7. Wanda Sykes

This Whoopi-wannabe was promising from the start, and justifiably used on Larry David’s Curb Your Enthusiasm, but when she stands in front of the crowd, the talk-to-the-hand jokes just don’t fly.

sarah silverman wins EMMY Award 75x75

6. Sarah Silverman

Ultimately, Silverman is funny, but as a stand-up comic, she relies too much on the “I’m cute and controversial so laugh at me” approach. I’ll give her credit for trying but I’m hardly tickled.

janeane garofalo 3 75x75

5. Janeane Garofalo

This chick makes me want to renounce any of my left-leaning tendencies, mainly because comics who go all-out political make me hate them even more when they ain’t yankin my funnybone. To her credit, she voiced the HOT French chef Collette in Ratatouille (though everyone makes fun of me for thinking that).

images24 75x75

4. Rosie O’Donnell

It’d be funnier if she just got up on stage and busted ass into the mic for 30 minutes. I bet she’s capable.

ellen degeneres 75x75

3. Ellen DeGeneres

Why doesn’t she do more dyke jokes? I mean, black comics do nigga material, so why shouldn’t a Lesbian do dyke jokes? She’s one of the few comics who can get away with that material. What other comics can yak about the misadventures of chick-on-chick cunnilingus (Don’t you hate it when you go down on a woman and she queefs in your face)? I’d be crapping laughter if she said that. Instead she’s dishing about commercial themes getting stuck in her head. HAHAHAHAHA oh Ellen you so funny.

images25 75x75

2. Whoopi Goldberg

I’ve seen Whoopi do stand-up and she’s made me crack a smirk but hardly laugh. There’s something horribly nasty about her, something that makes me not wanna look, let alone listen. I congratulate her for her career highs (an Oscar for Ghost) and detest her for her career lows (The View).

images26 75x75

1. Roseanne Barr

“Hey, I’m fat and I’m loud! Laugh at me!” I think Roseanne is hilarious on the sitcom Roseanne. So, to reiterate, I said women can’t be STAND-UP F-ING COMICS.