Snooki’s Novel Hits Stores Today

snookie book

Hey yo, listen up all you friggin’ juiceheads. Everybody’s favorite Jersey Shore Oompa-Loompa, Snooki, wrote herself a novel, which hits Kindles and Nooks and bookstores (do those still exist?) today. It’s called, wait for it, wait for it… A Shore Thing. Oooh that’s clever, cause, ya know, the whole play on words. *reaches for shotgun with toe attachment*

I’m certain this will be heralded by lit critics abroad as a defining work in the fiction genre, much like Lauren Conrad’s debut L.A. Candy was in 2009. In my mind, Snooki is poised to become the voice of her generation. Who else could describe a would-be male suitor in such vivid detail? (via NY Post):

* “Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla.”

I can almost taste the fresh gorilla. That’s a sign of good writing, or so I’ve been told by reality star turned author Kate Gosselin. At any rate, I took the liberty of fabricating, er, I mean, compiling some advance reviews of Snooki’s timeless tome:

“It’s like fuckin’ incredible, yo. I was blown the fuck away and shit.”- Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino

“I didn’t even think the dumb whore could read let alone write.” – Anthony from Toms River, NJ

“One of the most powerful examinations of youth in America yet published.” – Time

“That midget bitch deserves to be smacked in her fat face for writing this garbage.” – Brad Ferro, former Queens teacher

“I read it an hour while taking a dump. Real page turner.” – President Bill Clinton

Praise across the board. I can’t wait to get my hands on a copy (and set in on fire with a flamethrower).