Ten Reasons The Heat Don’t Give a Damn

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LeBron, D-Wade, & Bosh

The season is young but basketball fans have been quick to invest time, love, and devotion to the 2010 Miami Heat. Since the day LeBron James turned the murder of the Cleveland sports fan into his ego-maniacal celebration of self, joining Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade to form the NBA’s version of the Super Friends League, the world has divided into two camps: those who worship the now-hallowed grounds of professional basketball on South Beach and those who would be overjoyed to see King James turn into the King Asshole many believe him to be.

It’s the most divisive topic in sports today: do you like or loathe the Miami Heat?

The immediate reaction was to crown this team the eventual NBA Champions of this and the next ten seasons to follow. The vast majority of basketball’s judging class came running to proclaim the Heat as the best team since the historic Jordan crews running through the ’90s in Chitown, and talk of the pursuit of 70 wins quickly followed.

Suddenly, now standing with an unbelievable record of 9-8 after a troubling loss to the Dallas Mavericks on Saturday night, the world is divided again as the basketball mavens take the early disappointment to the same mountain LeBron used to announce his move to Miami, and this time they are asking the only question that folks want to answer…

Is this the most overrated team in NBA history?

I’m not buying in on that hype and neither should you, for a multitude of reasons… and I don’t believe LeBron, D-Wade, and the third wheel are either. Here’s 10 reasons why these three couldn’t care less about their early frustrations on the court.


Dwyane Wade
Still the Man

If there was any certainty coming into this “experiment” it was the ability, presence, and stature of Dwyane Wade. When the so-called greatest in the game is set to join your team, he’s supposed to take control and make it his own.

Not in Miami.

This has been and continues to be Dwyane Wade’s team… there was never a time when this natural order of dominance was questioned. No one had any doubt in who the leader would be, and for many that was the foundation for hope (thinking LeBron didn’t enjoy being the main man and that D-Wade does, thus marking them as a perfect NBA couple).

Dwyane is the man… no matter what the numbers say. LeBron is averaging more minutes, points, rebounds, assist, and rebounds per game… he’s got a definitive edge in PER (Player Efficiency Rating, advanced statistics for you math dorks)… but it is Dwyane’s team in Dwyane’s city, and when folks go to denounce the Heat as a fraud, they focus ALL of their complaints on LeBron.

As long as that continues and the order of influence is held proper, there is reason to believe things are right and the team can improve… or, more to the point, that I will continue to watch.

(Seriously, D-Wade is one of few worthy of DVR planning… its like the world’s greatest porn star had a love child with Michael Jordan, creating the ultimate vessel of performance and pleasure. I’d watch the guy wax cars. It might be fair to note this is more of a reason why Bartleby doesn’t care less about the early struggles for the Heat… I watched most of their games before LeBron jumped on the wagon and I’ll continue to watch and care after he’s gone, so long as Dwyane is playing.)


Cuban Girls
The Island’s Top Export
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Worth breaking the trade embargo...

There are many reasons why professional athletes view Florida as a destination of choice. The weather is gorgeous. The lifestyle is proper for the income. There is no state income tax. Athletes can mix in with society where distractions are so numerous and easy to find that sports aren’t a top priority for the folks wandering the state. The nightlife is amazing. The coffee is as good as it gets in the States (go fuck yourself Seattle). The food is phenomenal.

Who cares… in the end it’s all about the trim, and once you get east of the California state line the only place that compares is Miami. The great state of Florida can thank our Communist neighbors to the south for that, ’cause the brown-skin girlies from Cuba are the shit. There are more Cuban girls in Miami than any other spot on the planet, including Cuba… I’m pretty damn sure all of those hunnies were smuggled over during the ’70s to make sure the coke frenzy had a proper outlet. Many brave men risked their lives on make-shift rafts, facing the dangers of the ocean and the Coast Guard to bring their families to freedom so their girls could grow up and use their astounding hotness to wrap hands around the wallets of overpaid, millionaire athletes.

Every athlete in the world marks this as one of the primary influences for giving Miami consideration and you can bet LeBron is no exception to the rule. He comes from Cleveland where girls are as white as snow and as inhibited as a convent… now he’s in Miami where clothes are optional and so are the morals, and Cuban girls are main course on the menu.

I can understand if he gets distracted… who wouldn’t?


Miami Heat Dancers
The Pride of Craft Service

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Everyone understands how craft service works in the world of sports. It starts in high school because kids are stupid creatures doing stupid things, but they build behavior models and lifestyles the hold true as they get older… and if you choose to continue with pom pons and short sport skirts and weird hybrid gymnastics mixed with awkward, Hitler-worthy dancing routines, then you hold those behaviors and the lifestyle that comes with it throughout.

Every team has a rule stating dancers and cheerleaders will not date the athletes… they will only fuck them, preferably in groups. This is how craft services works in the world of the National Basketball Association. You’ll eat dinner with the team but you’ll have dessert with the dancers. Its tradition.

That makes Miami a place of dream and wonderment for any professional basketball player. The dancing crew from South Beach is outrageously hot. Its multilingual, touting servings from all of the globe’s best third-world countries… its a profession training those girls in activities that are a few pairs of panties and a few ugly dudes away from being classified as porn… its the best buffet in Florida.

If you don’t understand, let’s do this… I’ll bring the Miami Heat dancers down to your work, dressed in full dancer gear, and every few minutes we’ll run them out for a dance routine in front of the entire office. Let’s see how productive YOU are.

And if you aren’t into the dancers of the NBA…

Miami Strip Club

… YOU ARE IN MIAMI, home of some of the world’s most illustrious strip clubs. No matter where you go… you got ho.


Trick Daddy
Good Neighbors

In today’s broken economy many of us are working a second job. You’ve got to make ends meet and chances are that’s not happening unless you put that so-called spare time on the clock with a second employer.

For the NBA elite in Miami, that second job consists of rolling blunts while rolling up the shorties after rolling a few blunts while you roll down the boulevard. You get with Trick Daddy, you live the life of Trick Daddy, and you do so without ugly digits in your mouth and without that ghetto edge some girls might prefer to avoid.

He’s the only celebrity where the scraps are better than the main course… it’s ideal for the Three Kings of Miami. And if you don’t care for Trick Daddy and his resume of work, you can go old school…

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… and hang with the kings of censorship.

(Probably dating myself with that one… I have no idea what has happened to 2 Live Crew. I just know they were the only rappers I heard of as a kid coming out of Miami and they were gods because our parents hated them and they spoke about all the pussy we weren’t getting. I’m not much older than D-Wade and boys but this may before their time… whatever. Any time I can call out a crew famous for such songs as “Pop that Coochie” and “The Fuck Shop” and “Get the Fuck Out of My House”, I’m going to do it.)

Regardless, the point stands… when you aren’t playin’ ball you are hangin’ with rap stars as ugly as the trap in your garbage disposal and you don’t have to work to enjoy the benefits of such company. I would assume the boys with the Heat are taking part and thus they may be a bit tired. Once they get accustomed their legs will be fine.


Miami Beach
More Girls

Did we mention the girls in Miami are hot?

Did we mention South Beach would be a wet-dream-come-to-life scenario for most of the men in the world?

If you fail in making plans with a couple of the dancers after the game… if you fail in attempts to fish one of those Cuban chics rafting in from the homeland… its ok, ’cause you can hit up the beach, flash one of of the 20 Rolex watches you own out of the window of your Bentley, and the whores will congregate like you’re handing out free morning-after pills.

I’m not sure how you expect the local trash collectors to stay on point, and they don’t make dick. Put a few million in my pocket and you can bet the day job becomes a secondary issue.

That’s what LeBron, D-Wade, and that other guy face every day.


Chris Brown
Not-So-Good Neighbors

This is Chris Brown.

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He’s is to the music industry as Franklin was to The Peanuts. It wasn’t always like that… but he’s learned his place and thus he’s not working in a speaking role any more. Pig Pen may be covered in shit and may smell like a wet landfill, but at least he gets to talk. Chris Brown can talk if he wants… he can even sing… but no one gives a shit.

That’s because Chris Brown likes to slap a bitch.

He’s the Ike Turner of the Disney Kid set.

He’s the reason Nick Cannon gets married to Mariah Carey. He’s the reason Nick Cannon has any kind of career at all… sure, Chris Brown can sing, but Nick Cannon isn’t beatin’ the livin’ shit out of Rihanna, so he gets the call.

Meanwhile Chris Brown hangs out on South Beach where folks are too drunk to understand he’s not a celebrity any more.

Maybe he got to hook up with Kim Kardashian… so what? Every famous black dude gets to hook up with Kim Kardashian (more on this in a minute). Nipsy Russell hooked up with Kim Karsdashian, BEFORE Chris Brown. That’s just a rite of passage.

Regardless, we got off track… Chris Brown hangs out on South Beach. He’s a regular on the Miami club scene. He’s been beatin’ Miami bitches up for years.

And for NBA ballers, that’s easy pickin’… just follow behind Chris Brown’s pimp hand and see what falls out.

Its an approach that’s apparently working for Chris Bosh thus far, and I assume he’ll get tired of following his teammates before too long. I mean… LeBron is The King, D-Wade is the President of Miami… the rejects of that crowd settle for Bosh. If he takes the same approach to Chris Brown he may find a bit more appreciation.

I assume that’s why he jumped in… right?


The Kardashians
Wait Your Turn
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I like Kourt...

If you are a professional athlete, you would be wise to get in the Kim Kardashian line NOW. She just turned 30… that window is closing. She’s not going to be running train through the athletic universe forever. This has become a pivotal opportunity for those blessed to work in the world of professional athletics. You’ve seen her work with Ray-J, you know what’s on the menu, and you just have to wait your turn.

South Beach may be the prime spot to get cut in on that line… she spends a ton of time on the sand in Miami, her sisters have set up shop there in town giving Kim every reason to be there… I would assume King James wants to get his notch on his resume knocked out just like he wants the NBA Championship that, like Kim, was never coming to Cleveland.

(And there was no way in hell she’s tripping to Toronto either… not that Bosh’s ET-lookin’ ass has a legit shot with D-Wade and Bron Bron in the picture anyway, but he could be the ultimate winner if he finds opportunity to grab Kourtney, the Kardashian no one seems to want. In truth she rates as the most attractive girl in the clan… you just don’t know if you have a shot if you are Chris Bosh. Kourt’s been with the same caucasian low life forever… had a kid with the asshole… so she may be like that Vietnamese hooker from “Full Metal Jacket”, the one that wouldn’t kick it out to the black guys because of her own misguided stereotypes. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t TRY, and that means Bosh had to leave Toronto and that might also mean he has been hampered in his early-season efforts on the court as he pursues the sleeper Kardashian. Still… this is the first time I’ve wanted to be Bosh in the entire article… let The King and D go after Reggie Bush’s sloppy seconds. Keep your eye on the prize, B.)

So if the effort on the course suffers early… I totally understand. After all, the NFL season is already over for the Dallas Cowboys so Miles Austin is due to return any day now. Get in while the gettin’ is good.

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It's Snookie... no, really, it is... Snookie, right there.

And if that doesn’t work out, you can always find the Mensa members from “Jersey Shore” on the beach. That might explain why the boys from the Heat are putting so much work into the Kardashians now. If you were lookin’ at Snookie as Plan B, you might compromise all other aspects of your life for Plan A, too.

Bad Girls Club

And if worse comes to worse you can hit up the reality television scene… I’m not sure why you would do this, but if you’ve already run through the gauntlet we’ve laid out – the Cuban girls, the Miami Heat Dancers, the Booby Trap, the Trick Daddy groupies, Chris Brown’s shelter for battered women, and the Kardashians – you might be tempted to top it all off with the ultimate in guilty pleasures. I’m not sure if you’ll find more herpes on the Shore or with the Bad Girls Club, but if you need to take time away from the day job to find out I suppose any American who watches those shows might understand.


The King of Enhanced Performance

I’m in full support of Performance Enhancing Drugs (I want to be entertained and I am entertained most when these guys are stronger, faster, and mentally incapacitated from understanding the damage they are doing to their prospects of long-term health).

The NBA was at its best when cocaine was at its best.

The best cocaine in the country can be found in Miami… there was an entire movie about it that now serves as the inspiration for the entire hip-hop industry. If Tony Montana can motivate Lil’ Wayne to become the hero of a nation, imagine what he could do for the world’s most dominating basketball tandem (and Chris Bosh)?

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From the calendar...

Besides, if you are going to keep that entire dance crew happy – all 26 of ’em – you’ll be needing a mountain of coke. Getting that will take time, energy, and money (and, possibly, a chainsaw)… so if your game suffers for a few weeks while you get adjusted to those lifestyle changes, we should all understand.


Jimmie Johnson
I’m On a Boat
Jimmie Johnson


From everything I’ve read, heard, absorbed, and/or learned about the social scene in Miami, the invite to enjoy a day on the water with Jimmie Johnson, the former NFL coaching great turned Survivor reject turned boner medicine man, is the ultimate in Miami luxuries. It is invite that shows you have FINALLY arrived as an accepted member of the Miami elite, as a man worthy of limitless stature and prestige on the sands of South Beach. EVERY man living in Florida has taken time to daydream about that invite… fishing with Jimmie Johnson, drinking champagne and eating fresh Mahi Mahi with Jimmie Johnson, sunning and combing your wind-tunnel-tested ‘do with Jimmie Johnson, taking Extenz and comparing boners with Jimmie Johnson… ALL of the glory you could imagine as a social icon and a hero for the South Beach community can only be gained by earning the invite to join JJ on his boat, and he docks that mother fucker in Miami.

This should be social priority #1 for LeBron and Bosh, right after rescuing Kourt from that Brooks Brother reject asshole. I would assume Dwyane has been on the boat, and I might assume he’d attest to the wonders of life you find after that experience. You wouldn’t think LeBron would need much time to crack that nut but he didn’t score too many points with The Decision… and he has to keep Bosh in good spirits despite his attempts to ruin it all… so it may be this pursuit of the ultimate Miami experience may be detracting from his attention on the court, and maybe we should cut him some slack as a result.

(That’s a nice benefit as well… when you come up short because you’re tired or chaffing or you just don’t think you can get it up again, your friend Jimmie comes through with an endless supply of ED pills. You’ll never be at a loss for a boner again, you’ll improve your endurance and long-term strength, and you’ll adjust to the environment and persevere. I assume all three of these ballers are working on getting those invites from Jimmie… I hear it’s a tough get but I would think Dwyane has already made that connection and can help his friends get up to speed. It’s only a matter of time before this beneficial relationship kicks in.)


This is the NBA

This is the NBA… it starts in October and it ends in April. Each team will play 82 regular-season games. They’ll rack up more airline miles than Willie Nelson’s NORML-approved lawyer, making multiple trips all across the nation to play one game of basketball before grabbing a quick serving of poon and doing it all again. Starting slow shouldn’t shock. It should be expected, especially from a team that spent almost no time playing together before the season commenced after working on behalf of Team USA during the so-called offseason.

Listen… it’s a long-ass season, and they aren’t even a quarter of the way there.

No one cares how you do in the regular season. Last season LeBron and his Cavs led the league with 61 wins in the regular season and they were summarily dismantled by the Celtics and their newly-minted AARP cards in the second round of the playoffs. It doesn’t matter. As long as you get in the playoffs you are good to go, and starting with a .500 record through the first month of the season doesn’t keep you from getting there.

It doesn’t matter how you finish in October or November. It matters how you finish in April and May… so the boys have plenty of time to figure it out. Its only a matter of time before they learn how to average 140 points per game, putting the struggles of today deep in the rearview mirror (and your complaints and suggestions that they are the worst team ever go with ’em).

And that’s why LeBron, D-Wade, and the tag-a-long don’t give a damn about today.