Treats to Avoid on Halloween


This is what Shangri-La looks like

Tonight the horizon will once again fall prey to spooks, goblins, Hannah Montana’s, Jedi’s, sheet-ghosts, and sexual predators… and that’s just the TV specials! (rim shot). That’s right kiddies, it’s Halloween season! The ‘All-Hallow’s Eve’ tradition where children from 4 to 40 dance gaily in the streets in costume and disguise traversing neighborhoods begging incessantly for free handouts! What a night! But don’t think for one minute you are going to get off Scott Free if you don’t plan on participating. Oh no! That, sir or madam, is a crime deserving of a hefty egging and/or massive T.P.’ing and/or dead cat in the mailbox! And believe me, having fallen prey to both a time or two, this is not something you want to have to deal with. So, I have collected a simple set of rules to assist you in having a clean, normal, flaming-shit-bag-free Halloween that you’ll cherish for years to come… even with the piked severed heads of your neighbors staked to your fence post.

Healthy Snacks

I can not stress this enough. Regardless of just how pure and natural you are in your every-day lives, what with your huge fiber intake and whole-foods purchases, Halloween is not the time to brag about it to your Trick or Treating guests. No little kid, no matter how polite and innocent, wants to see you sneaking a Fruit Leather, gluten-free donuts, wheat nuts, or palm kernel oil-less granola bars into their candy bags. Not only are you just begging for retaliation, but when it does happen -and it will- no one will feel the least bit sorry for you once they find out you were handing out ‘Healthy’ snacks. Yeah, no one’s calling the Fire Department when angry youths set your friggin garage ablaze. Sorry. Stick to candy.

healthy halloween pretzels

“Pardon me ma’am, but what the Hell is this shit?”

Loose Change

Now this is just lazy! Look, if you’re a mental patient with calendar date issues and the short-term memory of a pine cone, that’s still just barely an excuse to forget Halloween. You know it’s coming, you know it’s October, and unless you are from Krypton, you ought to know what Halloween is. So get off your dumb, fat ass, head to the Dollar Store, and drop a few sheckles for some candy. Oh sure, the prospect of eleven cents seems like a good idea at the time, but nothing -save a mechanical pony ride at your local supermarket and maybe a small bit of crack- costs less than a quarter any more. So, if you are going to resort to monetary treats, all kids take paper cash, especially with portraits of Lincoln (at least) on them. Cheap ass.

loose change

Great. Thanks. Now I’m 1/1000th of the way to something useful. Ass.

Plastic Halloween Knick-knacks

Head to any Halloween store display in the country and you’re bound to find two distinct genres of goodies. The first is the obvious and far more preferred candy. The other is the decidedly more sinister cheap, cheesy plastic toys. The only times these geegaws are to be used are for Elementary School Halloween parties, Adult Halloween parties featuring ridiculous amounts of alcohol, and Nursing Home Halloween parties where the residents don’t know the difference between spider rings and apple sauce. Oh you’ll find pencil toppers, Jack O’ Lantern erasers, the aforementioned spider rings, and various sundries of other useless, pointless, unnecessary shit. I can’t stress this enough: Candy.

plastic halloween

“Hey thanks for the clackers! No, that’s not a flaming bag of shit, why do you ask?”


This shit is almost on par with the healthy snacks, however there’s just something far more pathetic and equally sickening about the prospect of an unwrapped apple hanging out among your happy candy. Remember back in the early eighties when it was largely assumed that the more evil and sadistic shits in American neighborhoods had taken to filling the fruit they were distributing to the kids with razor blades, broken needles, strychnine, and AIDS? Yeah, it was all the rage. Well, the connection between produce and instant death never really died off, so unless you want a cadre of cops bashing your door in, lay off the apples.

healthy halloweenfruit

Chock full of arsenic-y goodness!

Candles, Books, Pamphlets, or Cards

Any of the above mentioned items are a complete bad idea and total waste of time. First off all, Halloween is not like Christmas where shit with ghosts, Frankensteins, vampires, and pumpkins surrounded with black and orange should be left out for any extended period after the holiday. Sure, have your Haunted Houses and spooky Grave Yards open weeks before Halloween, but after the night in question, that shit gets packed up for another year. So, what possible good are trinkets like Books (Clifford’s Big Ass Halloween), pamphlets (Come to the Wilkin’s Horror House Oct. 11-30), or Dracula candles going to do you over the next few weeks before turkeys and cornucopias take over? No good, that’s what, jackass.

Vintage Ghost Halloween Candles PROF1006 de

“Well at least I can use this to burn you house down.”


The chances that the Trick or Treaters arriving at your doorstep are completely devoid of toothbrushes is patently ridiculous, you dick! So standing there in the doorway all smug and high-and-mighty while you pass out little plastic baggies of dental maintenance, often including floss, is just a dumb ass thing to do. Yes, everyone knows eating a year’s supply of candy in one sitting is probably a bad idea (the jury’s still out) for both your guts and your teeth, this is a decision and an issue the parents of said kids need to deal with, not your suddenly ‘Dental Police’ ass. Get with the damn program, Shithead D.D.S.!

170 halloween tooth

I guess I can use this to clean up the blood after I jam it into your throat.